Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Breakfast of Champions:


When I was fifteen, I woke up one morning as I did every morning--to the sound of NPR's morning edition.  This morning, however, was special.  NPR announced to me that Kurt Vonnegut was dead.

Vonnegut was a brilliant man and an inspiring writer, but I think his biggest contribution to society in general was this phrase: So it goes.

I've been slacking off from jacking off.  A lot of this--rather, all of this--is due to my lack of internet.  I'm not contributing to the world wide web fund ruled by AT&T and all the others, and so they punish me.  For all intents and purposes I think it should be a little easier accessing something that permeates throughout every aspect of my day.  However, thar be rules.

Rule Number 1: Thou shalt not have internets without the payment.  Well, it isn't that we couldn't afford internet, strictly speaking, but after my ex boyfriend and I dissolved and I kicked him out of the house, his revenge meant taking our modem, router, and disconnecting our service.  Occasionally I use my brother's phone as a hot spot to tap the nets, but something about using that for porn just seems wrong.  That was until about an hour ago.  He didn't know; my bandwidth usage can be discreet.  No one was hurt in the ensuing outpour.  Oh my dear god how I missed porn.

When my ex and I were going through what I like to call "the divorce," though it was less civil than that, I had a tendency to lock myself in my room a lot.  I didn't really have any desire to ever be touched by another man again so I took to releasing my urges (that had been encouraged by a forthcoming and steady supply of good sex for several months,) by looking up pornography.  Now, I'd been looking up porn since I was fourteen years old, but I only spent one year when I was fifteen taking a really active interest in it; after that my urges were sated elsewhere and I didn't really find any interest in porn.  A few videos and I shared some nights together but all in all it wasn't til I had my brother's computer in my keeping for a year that I found porn again in the form of the movie Pirates.

Never had I been so intrigued by something so blatantly stupid, but so fascinating!  That movie is probably one of the most terrible things ever set to film and I'd burn it but for the fact that it is one of the best PORNOS ever created, and that is fucking sad.

So it goes.

Anyway, I've been sort of coming out of my shell ever since the crazy one left me and so I stopped looking to porn for sustenance that kept me alive (along with the help of a few very dedicated and kind friends) but damn I didn't realize how much I missed it until tonight.  Unfortunately I can't be like, Hey bro, leave your phone on cause I'm gonna use your downloading limit all in one night watching blondes do a strip tease.

Tonight's evaluation?  http://www.redtube.com/71498

The blonde romance they call it.  I was attracted to this video because of the fact that I'm rather partial to blondes, especially lesbian blondes, but I was infuriated to find that the 19 minute video possessed an entire seven minutes worth of footage dedicated to an extremely boring strip tease made only a little more tolerable by the semi-decent music playing in the background.  Applaud, people.

Anyway.  I had gone for a video with a huge lesbian orgy at first but found that the entire orgy was hidden by the enormous stupid head of a mediocre brunette sucking off a red dildo.

Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
Reference my previous entry on how POINTLESS oral sex with a dildo is, please.
I mean c'mon.

Anyway, I dunno.  Maybe it's a "Guy thing;" I wonder that a lot when scrolling through porn.  Most weird shit I like to get to the psychological root of, but the oral with the dildo is just beyond me.  Anal sex with a donkey?  Sure, I'll psycho-analyze that.  Sucking off a piece of rubber?  Nope.  You're just stupid.

So it goes.

Now that I've gotten a little taste back my body is craving more.  How do you people do it?  How do you even make it to work in the mornings? 


And why is porn so addictive?  Is it the ease with which I come while watching?  Is it the enjoyment of viewing such an aesthetically pleasing lady stroke a less pleasing waxed vag?  I dunno...

But rest assured I won't stop investigating until I know the answer.

P no B,
out.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Porno No Bueno

Welcome.

So, last night, I'm winding down from an increasingly frequent ritual: masturbating to porn videos, when another phase of the video still playing on my monitor creeps up.  This phase is one I was unfamiliar with--the "perform oral sex on a strap-on" during a lesbian sex scene.  And in my head, a singular question arose: What the fuck?  Why?  Seriously, why?  The video wasn't initially terrible, in fact just a pretty standard lesbian threesome (albeit the intro and the setting could have used some serious improvement) with the obvious attracting agents of toys, brunettes, and girls of the latina persuasion.  So as I'm sitting here, just finished with my personal performance, I'm wondering about how pornography, one of the top selling industries around the world, has gotten away with never being subject to strenuous review.  My friend, in his infinite wisdom, summed it up nicely: Porn is porn.  Who cares?

I care.  I don't know why.  The general perception is that when it comes to watching pornography, women are going to be much more discriminating than men, and this is a stereotype I have in fact found to be largely true, but not to the extent that something inherent in my femininity demands that I be extra critical of what I'm humping a pillow while watching.  At the end of the day, my standards when it comes to being turned on require something simple and straightforward, but the standards themselves are not particularly high.

One might think to oneself, if I'm attempting to get off to the video-taped session of sexual relations, probably a few things are going on, and I'll enumerate them to make this a bit easier to get:

1. I'm not going to watch porn that details a scenario that no part of me, however small, would want to participate in.  Translated: If I'm watching a horse have sex with a woman, WITH THE INTENT OF BECOME SEXUALLY AROUSED, then there is a sliver of my consciousness that expresses curiosity and experiences sexual intrigue toward this scenario.

And a natural development of that becomes point-

2. If something I'm watching makes me uncomfortable, I'm going to cease being sexually aroused.  This is fairly straightforward.  Rape scenes, however appealing they may be to men, only interest women who are, in part, not made uncomfortable by the idea of being raped.  In fact, the idea of being so thoroughly dominated is of such interest to them they experience sexual gratification from it.  I, personally, do not like to see people in intense pain during sex, because I immediately put myself in their shoes, so to speak.  A great deal of viewing porn relies on one's ability to imagine oneself in that situation.  Anything that makes me laugh or wince in real life is going to make me laugh or wince when I'm watching porn, and there's nothing that's more of a figurative boner kill for me than amusement and pain.


So yeah.  Call me crazy for caring so much; it's not because I'm a woman, it's because I'm particular.  And I've known plenty of men who are just as particular, if not more so--and plenty of men and women who aren't.  But still the law of averages implies that at some point, the general population would demand standards in pornography.  Let's look at some of these unspoken but generic social expectations that guide certain items in the porn industry (of course, fetish-specific porno goes against these guidelines intentionally to meet specific demands.)

  • Most people over the past two decades have become less and less interested in body hair.  In general, excessive amounts of it are considered unacceptable and unatrractive.
  • Most people expect a certain penis size in pornography.  Men with small dicks don't generally get the gigs.
  • Women need to make loud, frequent noises.
  • Body fluids are more prevalent.  More value is placed on male and female ejaculate.
  • The time for establishing intrigue has decreased exponentially.  Sometimes it literally does not exist.  That is, "porn with plot" is vastly less popular (although sometimes we see major exceptions to this rule.  Read: Pirates.)
  • Production value is given a lot more attention.  Grainy, low-quality videos are far less marketable.
These sort of social expectations, as I said, run into a variety of exceptions--in fact, the porn industry is almost entirely MADE UP of exceptions.  The word "fetish" once referred to an extreme sort of particularity that had to be manifest in order to sexually attract a specific crowd, but now the word is tossed around loosely--interest in MILFS, teenagers, school girl skirts, or any of the classics are known as "fetishes," but really these expectations are so general and widely met that they are not technically fetishes.  And if you are able to be sexually aroused by a variety of things, it is likely that you don't really have a "fetish," so much as a particularity.



Well, let's cut to the chase.  I think I'm writing this blog to explore why these sorts of particularities happen.  I'm more or less fascinated by porn, sometimes to a fault, in the sense that I examine it to such depth I often forget why I'm watching in the first place.  As in the instance of last night's "strap-on pleasuring," I'm often so confused or blown away by absurdity that I lose sight of my masturbatory goals immediately.
I really am interested in seeking out profoundly good pornography, but with the caveat that porn, thus far, has proven to be one of those types of media that defies value terms like good and bad, because someone, somewhere, is gonna like it, even if I think it's terrible.  It's sort of magical, in its own way.

But with that being said, why not try and critique it with an artist's eye for detail?  Or at least a pragmatist's eye for tomfoolery.  I'm sorry ladies, but no matter how hard you suck, that dildo just won't come.

So for today, the award for RETARDED goes to:
http://www.redtube.com/71600

You get an E for effort ladies, but I'm just not feeling you.

Now for a brief word on endorsement.  I use redtube.com to search porn videos because it's just easy.  There are fewer pop ups, less creepy and disturbing sideline advertisements, and no malware that I've detected thus far.  And the selection and variety is fairly good.  Redtube is a brilliant host site for copywrited pornography.  Therefore, I'm gonna go ahead and say that this blog is my OWN PERSONAL REFLECTION ON AND EXPLORATION OF PORNOGRAPHY.  I endorse Redtube as a good hosting site but have no affiliation whatsoever with Redtube or any of the companies that use Redtube.  The linking is for personal documentation only.  I receive no compensation whatsoever from any of these companies or from Redtube.